I breathe deeply, feeling energy rush into my lungs, my diaphragm, my being.
I breathe into the places that hurt or feel contracted, knowing, there are just way too many of those.
I take a moment before my next breath to be with what I feel, not only in physical sensation but in my heart. My heart.
I instantly feel a surge of emotion and take a breath into that place, not fully knowing or understanding the feeling at this point, accepting that perhaps I don’t need to.
I just feel it, sit with it, breathe into it and let it be.
I don’t try to move it, change it or dissect it, I just let it be.
Instantly I am filled with so many memories of times in my life that I can remember I have done the exact opposite.
The many events, situations, circumstances that have caused sensation, emotion, and rather than be with it, I have chosen to numb it, change it, analyse it or avoid it.
I have to say… the realization of exactly just how much energy I have channeled into avoidance is astonishing.
I sit here dumbfounded at what I may have accomplished in the personal development area had I actually just sat with it.
Just recently I sat in a healing ceremony and heard the words “When we decide to be with the pain, THAT is the healing.”
I was struck in the moment with the thought, “Could it be that easy?”
As if feeling pain is easy, if it was I could of saved an enormous amount of money on recreational drugs and have completed my healing process years ago.
Rumi quotes that, “The wound is where the light shines in.”
So I sit with this in a new way, having been reminded very recently again of our vulnerability as we move through this life, this journey.
I am sitting, breathing into the space that up until now I have tiptoed around like the Jehovah's witnesses on the corner by my office. Hoping not to be noticed or notice.
But I do. I notice that this space is not really that scary. It feels heavy, but also, within that weight, there is lightness, promise of release, growth, evolution.
Perhaps this is my projection? It’s possible. Probable even, as that is sometimes the partner that holds my hand on this path.
I breathe, release my shoulders, drop my chin, and pray.
I pray not for release from this pain, but more for a deeper understanding of what this pain is? Why it exists? Why on some level I have chosen this teacher to lift me into a place of higher consciousness?
I pray, and pray and pray….. like an 8 year old that has been told she will go to hell for breaking her sister's toy.
I pray so hard that I lose why I am praying and soon find myself simply breathing in love and breathing out fear… breathing in love, and breathing out fear.
Suddenly I am breathing in love…. and stop…. I notice that I am no longer breathing out fear, there is only love, and I wonder when this changed?
I check into my body and notice… the pain is still there, but I am no longer attached to it. It is there, but not.
I am struck with the realization that pain, all pain, comes from resistance, from holding on, not releasing, lack of trusting, fear.
Yesterday while in a business meeting an incredible woman voiced out loud something I know and I try to live by, it was a perfect reminder.
As the words “ I feel that you are coming from a fear place and not an abundant place.” I remembered… of course.
How simple it is to fall back into fear, fear, the seducer, with promises of safety and caution, whispers of wisdom and stability.
Fear, the perfect liar.
How quickly we can move out of love, into fear, like the proverbial hand being slapped from the cookie jar, it is that quick.
Oh how I wish sometimes to throw the confines of being human and rush into the knowing of what is possible in energy form.
To remember, to sit in, the pain, the feeling, the sensation, and even then…. trust. Even then, when every cell is on fire and neuron firing negativity, that I can feel, see and be love.
This is my prayer.
I lived for many years,about 35 of them to be exact, believing that to get through or be thriving in life, I needed to protect and harden my heart.
I was convinced that vulnerability was a fate worse than death and torture and that to be successful in any way, I needed to toughen up.
So I proceeded to be inauthentic in relationships, simply saying what the other person wanted to hear, to avoid conflict, or on the other end of the spectrum, arguing with anything they said simply because I could.
I practiced any talk or workshop I would hold so that if there was anything emotional I might get ‘caught up’ on, I would eliminate it or practice it enough that it became script.
I opened up to no one in a real way and began to master the art of at least looking like I had it all handled. It worked, for quite some time.
What a hoax. When I think now of the enormous amount of energy I channelled into living a lie, I feel ill on a physical level.
When I remember how hard I worked to stay protected and in defense mode, I am amazed at how I was able to maintain any sort of existence.
If sadness creeped in, I stuffed it, with food, alcohol, people, you name it, as long as I did not have to feel vulnerable, I was golden.
I am happy to say that my path, despite myself, has led me to a place of discovery that I feel beyond blessed to be in.
Over the last few months in particular I have found myself living in a constant state of wonder and amazement.
I have somehow landed in this place of beauty that invokes in me the deepest sense of love and acceptance I could ever fathom.
I believe this miracle to be largely due to the amazing humans I am surrounded by. These potent, loving, accepting, trusting, reliable beings that when I am around them I feel….. whole, safe and loved, unconditionally.
Something started to happen when I was in this energy… I started to soften, to open…. to talk about some things that hold great sadness and pain for me.
I would struggle with the old feeling of needing to close up, but continued to step into the uncomfortable (to put it mildly) process of being vulnerable. I began to speak my truth, some of it sometimes, all of it other times, and magic happened.
I noticed that the more I spoke my truth, no matter how raw, the more I was held in this and the easier communication became.
My relationships have deepened, I have attracted new light beings into my life that have done nothing short of assist me in an epic transformation.
The people I am authentic with become vulnerable also, we can hear each other, relate and grow.
I am able to look around me and see the divine miracle in everything…. ok not so much in people that insist on not using their blinkers, but everything else.
Every tear, every cloud, every smile, hug, tragedy and kind gesture, I see them for the miracles they are.
I am able to look behind me in gratitude and ahead of me with grounding and centeredness that is based on nothing outside of myself.
I feel at the centre of my being a strength that is not only related to my vulnerability, but IS my vulnerability.
Years ago when one of my teachers quoted to me “Your strength lies in your vulnerability” all I could think was “ I want my money back.”
Today, in this moment I totally understand, on every level, in all dimensions, that a life with an open heart, creates an open mind.
In this, I have been able to let go of judgments that kept me isolated, accept myself in all of my imperfections and truly, truly feel joy that I never thought possible.
I am blessed in this life, with friends that consistently wrap their arms and hearts around me,even when I am being cranky or cantankerous.
With a son who I feel fortunate to laugh with, adventure with and see on a soul level. With work that fills my heart and lifts my spirit in service in a way that heals me and fulfills me.
With people that support me when I am in need or in subtle ways that I am beyond grateful for.
I know, none of this would be accessible had I not moved into being vulnerable, opened my heart and sat in what felt like the largest risk I have ever taken.
As long as I live, I vow never to close myself off again or to live in an state of protection that keeps me small and alone.
In this life it is my wish, for all of us, to walk , head held high, in grace, speaking our truth, hearts in hand.
As December speeds by I find myself, (as usual) entering this more reflective and introspective way of being. As long as I can remember this heavy and morose feeling has come over me around the first week of this overwhelming month.
It has nothing to do with the mainstream push to buy buy buy or plan family gatherings or how I will feed the masses and have the perfect centre piece. Truth is, I gave up on that bullshit years ago.
I decided to celebrate the celestial event of solstice and put my energy into something that did not glorify consumerism, greed and gluttony.
This lightened things up considerably in terms of financial worry, added stress and living out of alignment with my beliefs.
Yet I am still overcome with this sense of….. dread? or more accurately, melancholy.
It is hard to articulate and I have worked with it for so many years I almost believe it is habitual more than anything, although in some ways,it feels very cellular.
I was born on December 31st. The very last day of the year, and so I have been blessed? with the gift of a December birthday and for some odd energetic reason, this has had a huge effect on me.
This is difficult for me to put into words and yet I feel that there are maybe some if not many december born souls who can relate to this.
New Years Eve seems like the most perfect time to have a birthday right? I mean there is always a party to attend, there is a good chance you might get the day after off work, people always dress up, you can really get into all sort of debauchery and it is accepted, and the icing on the cake… noisemakers! perfect.
And yet, this feeling….. like the dark clouds that circle above Mordor finds its way in and around my heart, and begins to be projected outwards.
It seems possible because I have a birthday on the last day of the year, it enhances this feeling of needing to assess and reassess every aspect of my life, always coming to the same conclusion, I have failed miserably.
It really would not matter what I had accomplished, overcome, created, invented or surpassed, the conclusion was and is the same.
And so by the time December 31at rolls around, I find myself ,always planning my escape from this reality by way of plane or train or at the very least curled up under a fuzzy blanket in the fetal position wondering how I can possibly carry on with anything I am executing in my life.
Sounds empowering right?
Trust me when I say, this is one shift, I would love to celebrate.
My friends have encouraged me to change my birthday, and while I am open to having a party any day really and calling it my birthday, I feel that this energy, for lack of a better word still permeated my being.
My conclusion so far is that A. I am a feeble excuse for a human being and or B. There was a curse put on me that I will carry for eternity
At least I am not extreme in my perceptions.
This year although on a deep level I feel resigned to wallow in this sludge that has become to feel familiar and somewhat like home, I also feel a stirring at my core, it feels like a small vibration that is just started to quiver, like when a train rumbles by and the pictures on your walls gently shake.
I am sitting with this, not in a comfortable way, having given up comfort years ago when I decided to begin working on myself, I am ok with this. I would rather be uncomfortable for life than stay in a way of being that is unconscious.
I feel on some level that maybe this year, this quiver will become a quake that will shake loose the dark chains that bind my soul to this low vibration.
This is what I am holding space for, a shaking loose, re-birth, empowerment centred unfolding. I think that’s reasonable, after 35 years of the murky depths.
I am aware that this may be the most depressing December blog that anyone has ever read, I feel a need to apologize but then, why? It is my wish to live authentically. This is a reality, and I don’t believe I am alone in it.
Sorry, no warm hot chocolate ,twinkle light, candy coated , santa saturation in this blog, just the down and dirty of a december birthday girl telling it like it is.
For all of you kindred souls who maybe share this or at the very least can relate on some level… Keep your chin up, there IS after all a surplus of Baileys this month.