We walked along the edge of the river as the sun shone brightly overhead gently illuminating our path, our faithful companion trotting ahead eagerly awaiting more ball tossing.

It had taken almost an hour for me to convince my 16 year old son to come for a walk with me and I wanted to soak up my time with him as much as I did the fresh air and sunshine.

He has no idea really, the depth of my love for him or how much I appreciate his presence and I am not sure it is possible that he will ever fully understand that.

I watched his 6’5” frame move along in extreme lankiness but also with a grace I had not noticed before. When did he transition out of gangly? Hell, when did he stop being 7 and calling me mommy?

We walked for some time in silence, perhaps neither of us wanting to fill the space with meaningless banter.

As we walked together, each in our own thoughts, I heard his voice say “Mom, do you ever wish you didn’t have kids?”

I hesitated, not because I was not sure of my answer, but  more so because at the time, I could see no way to form an answer he could conceivably understand.

After a drawn out pause I said, “No, I don’t wish that, I do wish I had done things differently, but not that I never had you.”

This question caught me off guard, not because I don’t welcome the conversation, but in that brief moment, perhaps I did have to actually think about what that meant. Or more accurately what motivated him to ask.

My hope was that I could of opened up totally and told him exactly what I wished I had done differently.

But like so many times before when I could have chosen to be authentic with him, I didn’t.

I let my answer hang in the air as incomplete as a day at the beach without swimming.

It pains me sometimes to be vulnerable with people I love, at times it feels like the hardest thing in the world, my son has been a remarkable teacher for me in this arena.

I live my life trying not to harbour regrets for the choices I have made. I feel deeply that I would rather put my energy into creating the life I do want rather than looking back in condemnation at my past.

However, there are indeed things I wish I had done differently as a parent, they don’t plague me with despair as they once did but they are there, as constant reminders of my own evolution, individually, and as a mother.

I spent some time after our walk reflecting, if I could have been vulnerable with my son in that moment, this is what I would of said.

I wish that the 9 months that I carried you I had focused more on the miracle of creation that was happening inside of me rather than the fear of losing you.

I wish that I would of trusted myself more as a woman, that my body was designed to hold you and birth you, rather than be swayed by the medical system and treated as if I had a disease that needed to be treated.

I wish that when I brought you home and felt so alone, I would have reached out to other women for support, so that I could of been better for you.

I wish that I would of rested with you, holding you in my arms, rather than running myself ragged trying to clean or get my space in order for fear that  it would look like I didn’t have it all together.

I wish I would of taken longer off of work to be with you, to enjoy being a mom, to get to know you in a way I watched your daycare lady achieve.

I wish I would of sat down on the floor with you, looked you in the eyes and played more, instead of trying at any given time to accomplish 20-30 things.

I wish I would of been gentler with you, that I would of taught you with love in place of fear.

I wish I could of been the mom who was totally content being home with you, but I craved outside stimulation.

I wish I had been less reactive with you, that I had enough self control not to raise my voice when you triggered my impatience or that I could of just paused, for one second before yelling.

I wish I could of developed the skills so necessary to assist you earlier on, so that I could of been a better role model, a more effective parent for you.

I wished I had relaxed into you, into your growth, into  your fears, into you.

I wish I has asked you more questions, about how you saw the world and how you felt, rather than impose my own onto you.

I wish I had been more honest with you about my feelings at times rather than project anger on to you that you didn’t understand.

I wish I could of been vulnerable, instead of trying to be heroic for you. I know now, our heroism IS our vulnerability.

I wish I would of touched you more, hugged you, scratched your head, your back, simply revelling in the miracle of you.

I wish my temper had never gotten the best of me,

I wish I could of taken away every pain you experienced at the expense of unconscious people, including myself, especially myself.

I wish I had known myself better so that I could be there for you in a way that was beautiful

I wish I had never taken for granted your childhood, your presence, no matter at what age

I wish when people said to me, “Enjoy it, it goes fast.” that I would of believed them.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I had never hurt you

I wish with all of my heart that I could take away the times I did

I wish I had been more present for you, in the moment, rather than living behind or ahead.

I wish I had understood this journey, that it is a classroom, that we are both just learning, that I would make mistakes

I wish I would of told you more how proud I am of you, what an amazing individual you are and how much confidence I have in you.

Never for one moment of my life have I ever wished I never had you, you are the reason I still walk this earth and the reason I have made the choice to be a better human.

You are my motivation for spiritual evolution and you are the reason I work on and practice integrity in my life. It is because of you that I made the choice to deal with my pain, and it is you that propels me to continuously become aware of my unhealthy patterns and cycles.

When we are together and our egos are laid down, those are some of the most fulfilling and beautiful times I have experienced. You constantly delight me with your kindness, humour and  compassion.

I cannot imagine my life without you in it and there is not a day of my life I am not in deep gratitude for the gift of you.

My wish for you, that you always know  how much I love you, despite my behaviors or my words at times, that you know that my desire to be better and do better is a consequence of you.

I wish, in this life that you will live fully, connected to source, confident of your path, surrounded by the love that you are, embodied with the joy you have brought to me.

I wish, that no matter where you go, where you are and who you are with, you will feel the power of the connection that binds us, the incredible depth of my love and the infinite potential of what and who you are.

I wish you knew that you are and always will be  the most magnificent part of my life. Out of any choice I have made, it is you that I am most proud of.

We walked home laughing and joking as we often do, and as I looked at my son, taking in his character, his energy, his heart, I  knew without a doubt it has all been perfect, all of it, every heartbreak, every precious moment of gratitude, every challenge, I am deeply grateful for it all.






 


Comments

Tania
07/24/2015 11:53pm

Will he read this? Thank you for your thoughtful resonant words.

Reply
Angela
07/25/2015 7:49am

It is my wish that he will read it :)

Reply

This photo reminds me of my Mother and my grandmother. They both value each other. My grandmother is always by my side. I don't know what to do without them. I am so blessed to have them in my life. Their love for me is unpredictable. I can't explain it. My love for them is unavoidable. I will always love them forever.

Reply
Aimee
07/25/2015 11:10am

This was so beautifully written and so absolutely honest. It really struck me when you said "when did you stop being 7 and calling me mommy? " My oldest is now 7. Thank you for this article, I will be sure to heed the warning to cherish every moment I can.
Hugs
Aimee

Reply
Angela
07/25/2015 11:16am

I am happy that you will, it really does, go all to fast. Enjoy those boys sister. <3

Reply
08/04/2015 8:57pm

Angie, this is so beautiful! You are such a talented writer!

<3

Reply
J
08/20/2015 3:06pm

-You're an interesting person.

Reply
12/27/2015 10:43pm

Amazon is one of the biggest online store as you know,this New Year it is providing huge discounts and prizes on all products,Here you can get more discounts and save your money by use of Amazon Coupons,Offers and Promo Codes which are available here.

Reply

I was more than happy to discover this website. I wanted to thank you for your time for this fantastic read!! I definitely loved every little bit of it and I have you book-marked to look at new information in your website.

Reply

Amazon is one of the greatest online store as you know,this New Year it is giving tremendous rebates and prizes on all products,Here you can get more rebates and spare your cash by utilization of Amazon Coupons,Offers and Promo Codes which are accessible here.

Reply
01/25/2016 10:38pm

A little message to the author, my friends are very grateful for what he has given of this article. Thank you very much.

Reply

on the internet a lot of scattered articles that discuss topics such as the post authors, but maybe in this blog I can get what I want. thanks.

Reply

I realized that my comments are not in accordance with the topic, but I am very grateful to the author, because the article has a lot of help.

Reply
02/04/2016 8:41am

May I simply just say what a comfort to uncover someone who really knows what they're discussing online. You certainly understand how to bring a problem to light and make it important. More and more people have to check this out and understand this side of your story. I was surprised that you are not more popular because you surely possess the gift.

Reply

this topic is probably the author is so inspiring, but other topics are not so deep. thanks.

Reply

Wow, it's so sweet. I am touched.

Reply
02/12/2016 8:25pm

I'm very pleased to uncover this page. I want to to thank you for ones time for this particularly wonderful read!! I definitely liked every little bit of it and i also have you saved as a favorite to check out new information on your website.

Reply
03/13/2016 8:53pm

on the internet a lot of scattered articles that discuss topics such as the post authors, but maybe in this blog I can get what I want. thanks.

Reply

Sometimes the contents of the articles in this blog to my unggulkan able to task regarding coral, keep the spirit of the author.

Reply
03/17/2016 8:04am

I love you too. Dont get lost.!

Reply
03/20/2016 7:53am

Thanks a lot. It is a tremendous website and worth admiring.

Reply
03/20/2016 7:54am

I like it very much. My friends also liked this website.

Reply

thank you for the information, interesting post. I hope this content can be benefits for anyone.

Reply
04/19/2016 12:59am

I am very happy and i appreciate your effort. You are doing great job.

Reply
04/21/2016 12:30am

It will be complicated to a very good pieces of paper notably for people with that pressures in use ones own shoulder blades. Because of this As i is as a result happier as you referred to write my essay. It is the type blog I want to allow all of us not alone hand in a get the job done on words though continue a GPA increased. Thanks for your time!

Reply

There are a wide variety of topics on the internet, but the topic discussed on this blog that I could admit my attention. thanks author.

Reply
04/28/2016 9:01am

What a useful post... I get so many thing from here. Thank you.

Reply
05/14/2016 9:33pm

I've get many information about google services.

Reply
05/15/2016 12:11am

What a touching article! I like this post so much!

Reply
05/24/2016 3:09am

This blog post helps by giving handy details. I would suggest others to undergo the article and also get your understanding boosted-up.

Reply

you have a great blog here! would you like to make some invite posts on my blog?

Reply
06/07/2016 10:38pm

I definitely enjoying every little bit of it. It is a great website and nice share. I want to thank you. Good job! You guys do a great blog, and have some great contents. Keep up the good work.

Reply
06/18/2016 10:34am

Just wanna say hi.. Love your site very much.

Reply

This is the wonderful music blog that is very favorites to much people. People do like and follows such type’s posts and gets lots of information on it which is extremely new for them and it’s really interesting too.

Reply

I love your blog. Very nice colors & theme. Did you make this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you? Plz reply as I'm looking to design my own blog and would like to know where u got this from. Kudos

Reply

It's totally thorough details.

Reply

I can't pretend that this post is really interesting.

Reply

this website is something that is needed on the web, someone with a little originality.

Reply
07/30/2016 9:23am

I wish to have a good life in which I can change my every dream into reality and can enjoy the blessings of nature in a good way.

Reply

There is some validity but I will take hold opinion until I look into it further. Good article , thanks and we want more! Added to FeedBurner as well.

Reply

I offer the thoughts above as general inspiration but clearly there are questions like the one you bring up where the most important thing will be working in honest good faith.

Reply
12/18/2016 10:37pm

Hello! I just would like to give a huge thumbs up for the great info you have here on this post. I will be coming back to your blog for more soon.

Reply
03/14/2017 7:55am

It was a beneficial workout for me to go through your webpage. It definitely stretches the limits with the mind when you go through very good info and make an effort to interpret it properly. I am going to glance up this web site usually on my PC. Thanks for sharing

Reply
04/26/2017 10:21pm

Nice sharing.

Reply
cheap airport parking luton
05/01/2017 10:56pm

Thanks for sharing.

Reply



Leave a Reply

    Angela Clark

    Angela Clark is a Metaphysical counselor/facilitator and licensed ceremony officiate at Rights of Passage Counseling and Ceremony Services. 

    Angela assists & guides individuals, couples & groups using holistic, metaphysical and some conventional tools gain more authenticity and love in their lives.

    She believes that empowerment is everyone’s birthright and by accessing our true essence, our lives can become a symbol of our authentic selves.

    Archives

    December 2015
    July 2015

    Categories

    All
    Marriage
    Relationships
    Self Reflection