I breathe into the places that hurt or feel contracted, knowing, there are just way too many of those.
I take a moment before my next breath to be with what I feel, not only in physical sensation but in my heart. My heart.
I instantly feel a surge of emotion and take a breath into that place, not fully knowing or understanding the feeling at this point, accepting that perhaps I don’t need to.
I just feel it, sit with it, breathe into it and let it be.
I don’t try to move it, change it or dissect it, I just let it be.
Instantly I am filled with so many memories of times in my life that I can remember I have done the exact opposite.
The many events, situations, circumstances that have caused sensation, emotion, and rather than be with it, I have chosen to numb it, change it, analyse it or avoid it.
I have to say… the realization of exactly just how much energy I have channeled into avoidance is astonishing.
I sit here dumbfounded at what I may have accomplished in the personal development area had I actually just sat with it.
Just recently I sat in a healing ceremony and heard the words “When we decide to be with the pain, THAT is the healing.”
I was struck in the moment with the thought, “Could it be that easy?”
As if feeling pain is easy, if it was I could of saved an enormous amount of money on recreational drugs and have completed my healing process years ago.
Rumi quotes that, “The wound is where the light shines in.”
So I sit with this in a new way, having been reminded very recently again of our vulnerability as we move through this life, this journey.
I am sitting, breathing into the space that up until now I have tiptoed around like the Jehovah's witnesses on the corner by my office. Hoping not to be noticed or notice.
But I do. I notice that this space is not really that scary. It feels heavy, but also, within that weight, there is lightness, promise of release, growth, evolution.
Perhaps this is my projection? It’s possible. Probable even, as that is sometimes the partner that holds my hand on this path.
I breathe, release my shoulders, drop my chin, and pray.
I pray not for release from this pain, but more for a deeper understanding of what this pain is? Why it exists? Why on some level I have chosen this teacher to lift me into a place of higher consciousness?
I pray, and pray and pray….. like an 8 year old that has been told she will go to hell for breaking her sister's toy.
I pray so hard that I lose why I am praying and soon find myself simply breathing in love and breathing out fear… breathing in love, and breathing out fear.
Suddenly I am breathing in love…. and stop…. I notice that I am no longer breathing out fear, there is only love, and I wonder when this changed?
I check into my body and notice… the pain is still there, but I am no longer attached to it. It is there, but not.
I am struck with the realization that pain, all pain, comes from resistance, from holding on, not releasing, lack of trusting, fear.
Yesterday while in a business meeting an incredible woman voiced out loud something I know and I try to live by, it was a perfect reminder.
As the words “ I feel that you are coming from a fear place and not an abundant place.” I remembered… of course.
How simple it is to fall back into fear, fear, the seducer, with promises of safety and caution, whispers of wisdom and stability.
Fear, the perfect liar.
How quickly we can move out of love, into fear, like the proverbial hand being slapped from the cookie jar, it is that quick.
Oh how I wish sometimes to throw the confines of being human and rush into the knowing of what is possible in energy form.
To remember, to sit in, the pain, the feeling, the sensation, and even then…. trust. Even then, when every cell is on fire and neuron firing negativity, that I can feel, see and be love.
This is my prayer.