I was convinced that vulnerability was a fate worse than death and torture and that to be successful in any way, I needed to toughen up.
So I proceeded to be inauthentic in relationships, simply saying what the other person wanted to hear, to avoid conflict, or on the other end of the spectrum, arguing with anything they said simply because I could.
I practiced any talk or workshop I would hold so that if there was anything emotional I might get ‘caught up’ on, I would eliminate it or practice it enough that it became script.
I opened up to no one in a real way and began to master the art of at least looking like I had it all handled. It worked, for quite some time.
What a hoax. When I think now of the enormous amount of energy I channelled into living a lie, I feel ill on a physical level.
When I remember how hard I worked to stay protected and in defense mode, I am amazed at how I was able to maintain any sort of existence.
If sadness creeped in, I stuffed it, with food, alcohol, people, you name it, as long as I did not have to feel vulnerable, I was golden.
I am happy to say that my path, despite myself, has led me to a place of discovery that I feel beyond blessed to be in.
Over the last few months in particular I have found myself living in a constant state of wonder and amazement.
I have somehow landed in this place of beauty that invokes in me the deepest sense of love and acceptance I could ever fathom.
I believe this miracle to be largely due to the amazing humans I am surrounded by. These potent, loving, accepting, trusting, reliable beings that when I am around them I feel….. whole, safe and loved, unconditionally.
Something started to happen when I was in this energy… I started to soften, to open…. to talk about some things that hold great sadness and pain for me.
I would struggle with the old feeling of needing to close up, but continued to step into the uncomfortable (to put it mildly) process of being vulnerable. I began to speak my truth, some of it sometimes, all of it other times, and magic happened.
I noticed that the more I spoke my truth, no matter how raw, the more I was held in this and the easier communication became.
My relationships have deepened, I have attracted new light beings into my life that have done nothing short of assist me in an epic transformation.
The people I am authentic with become vulnerable also, we can hear each other, relate and grow.
I am able to look around me and see the divine miracle in everything…. ok not so much in people that insist on not using their blinkers, but everything else.
Every tear, every cloud, every smile, hug, tragedy and kind gesture, I see them for the miracles they are.
I am able to look behind me in gratitude and ahead of me with grounding and centeredness that is based on nothing outside of myself.
I feel at the centre of my being a strength that is not only related to my vulnerability, but IS my vulnerability.
Years ago when one of my teachers quoted to me “Your strength lies in your vulnerability” all I could think was “ I want my money back.”
Today, in this moment I totally understand, on every level, in all dimensions, that a life with an open heart, creates an open mind.
In this, I have been able to let go of judgments that kept me isolated, accept myself in all of my imperfections and truly, truly feel joy that I never thought possible.
I am blessed in this life, with friends that consistently wrap their arms and hearts around me,even when I am being cranky or cantankerous.
With a son who I feel fortunate to laugh with, adventure with and see on a soul level. With work that fills my heart and lifts my spirit in service in a way that heals me and fulfills me.
With people that support me when I am in need or in subtle ways that I am beyond grateful for.
I know, none of this would be accessible had I not moved into being vulnerable, opened my heart and sat in what felt like the largest risk I have ever taken.
As long as I live, I vow never to close myself off again or to live in an state of protection that keeps me small and alone.
In this life it is my wish, for all of us, to walk , head held high, in grace, speaking our truth, hearts in hand.