As December speeds by I find myself, (as usual) entering this more reflective and introspective way of being. As long as I can remember this heavy and morose feeling has come over me around the first week of this overwhelming month.

It has nothing to do with the mainstream push to buy buy buy or plan family gatherings or how I will feed the masses and have the perfect centre piece. Truth is, I gave up on that bullshit years ago.

I decided to celebrate the celestial event of solstice and put my energy into something that did not glorify consumerism, greed and gluttony.

This lightened things up considerably in terms of financial worry, added stress and living out of alignment with my beliefs.

Yet I am still overcome with this sense of….. dread? or more accurately, melancholy.

It is hard to articulate and I have worked with it for so many years I almost believe it is habitual more than anything, although in some ways,it feels very cellular.

I was born on December 31st. The very last day of the year, and so I have been blessed? with the gift of a December birthday and for some odd energetic reason, this has had a huge effect on me.

This is difficult for me to put into words and yet I feel that there are maybe some if not many december born souls who can relate to this.

New Years Eve seems like the most perfect time to have a birthday right? I mean there is always a party to attend, there is a good chance you might get the day after off work, people always dress up, you can really get into all sort of debauchery and it is accepted, and the icing on the cake… noisemakers!  perfect.

And  yet, this feeling….. like the dark clouds that circle above Mordor finds  its way in and around my heart, and begins to be projected outwards.

It seems possible because I have a birthday on the last day of the year, it enhances this feeling of needing to assess and reassess every aspect of my life, always coming to the same conclusion, I have failed miserably.

It really would not matter what I had accomplished, overcome, created, invented or surpassed, the conclusion was and is the same.

And so by the time December 31at rolls around, I find myself ,always planning my escape from this reality by way of plane or train or at the very least curled up under a fuzzy blanket in the fetal position wondering how I can possibly carry on with anything I am executing in my life.

Sounds empowering right?

Trust me when I say, this is one shift, I would love to celebrate.

My friends have encouraged me to change my birthday, and while I am open to having a party any day really and calling it my birthday, I feel that this energy, for lack of a better word still permeated my being.

My conclusion so far is that A. I am a feeble excuse for a human being and or B. There was a curse put on me that I will carry for eternity

At least I am not extreme in my perceptions.

This year although on a deep level I feel resigned to wallow in this sludge that has become to feel familiar and somewhat like home, I also feel a stirring at my core, it feels like a small vibration that is just started to quiver, like when a train rumbles by and the pictures on your walls gently shake.

I am sitting with this, not in a comfortable way, having given up comfort years ago when I decided to begin working on myself, I am ok with this. I would rather be uncomfortable for life than stay in a way of being that is unconscious.

I feel on some level that maybe this year, this quiver will become a quake that will shake loose the dark chains that bind my soul to this low vibration.

This is what I am holding space for, a shaking loose, re-birth, empowerment centred unfolding. I think that’s reasonable, after 35 years of the murky depths.

I am aware that this may be the most depressing December blog that anyone has ever read, I feel a need to apologize but then, why? It is my wish to live authentically. This is a reality, and I don’t believe I am alone in it.

Sorry, no warm hot chocolate ,twinkle light, candy coated , santa saturation in this blog, just the down and dirty of a december birthday girl telling it like it is.

For all of you kindred souls who maybe share this or at the very least can relate on some level… Keep your chin up, there IS after all a surplus of Baileys this month.

Happy Holidays?

  


 


Comments

Herb V.
12/05/2015 12:08am

Beautifully said... the most optimistic piece of Holiday authentic pessimism I've ever read...

Reply
Angela
12/05/2015 4:31pm

:) thanks Herb

Reply

I understand where you’re coming from. I also celebrate my birthday during December and I sometimes get sad because people are so busy with preparing for Christmas that they often forget my birthday. What happens is we celebrate Christmas and my birthday so I don’t really know if that makes me feel special or not. But I realized that December is not a gloomy month. It’s actually the happiest month because we get to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. I see it as a blessing that I have the same birth month with Jesus Christ. You should too because you are way more blessed than you think.

It is not bad to have a natal day in December. It's a season of joy and giving. In fact, we must be glad that we have an opportunity to celebrate our birthday. My birthday is the most important outcome in my life. Having my birthday in December is really fun at all. I cannot discover something wrong on this. I know that birthdays should be exceptional and unique. I believe that my December birthday is God will. We must always feel real special and happy. We wouldn’t change any of it.

Reply
Laurie
12/06/2015 10:21am

Gotta say, I can totally relate even though I am not a December baby. In November I am looking forward to winter, things slowing down a bit, now it is December and I want to hide under the blankets... reevaluate my life and come up with a whole new life, to emerge in the spring with a great new enlightened perspective...though in the here and now... I just , well, less than positive... is one way to say it... though, I think you said it better. <3

Reply
04/28/2016 1:56am

Few things can cause us more anxiety, stress, guilt and self-anger than getting caught up in other people's unhealthy expectations of 'doing good', and the mistaken belief that helping others is ALWAYS a good thing.

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05/07/2016 5:06am

After the shift of the beginning of the year on January it became the twelfth, the last month of the year. One of seven months with length of 31 days. In the southern hemisphere is the month of summer, in Northern winter. The Czechs used to be called "wolf month".

Reply
12/17/2016 5:35am

No hot chocolate? There are no winter holidays without it! I like hot chocolate so much!

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01/26/2017 10:35am

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04/26/2017 10:21pm

Nice post.

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05/01/2017 10:56pm

Great post.

Reply

Such a good post, thanks for sharing.

Reply

Thanks for sharing.

Reply
05/21/2017 10:52pm

Thanks for sharing.

Reply
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    Angela Clark

    Angela Clark is a Metaphysical counselor/facilitator and licensed ceremony officiate at Rights of Passage Counseling and Ceremony Services. 

    Angela assists & guides individuals, couples & groups using holistic, metaphysical and some conventional tools gain more authenticity and love in their lives.

    She believes that empowerment is everyone’s birthright and by accessing our true essence, our lives can become a symbol of our authentic selves.

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