It has nothing to do with the mainstream push to buy buy buy or plan family gatherings or how I will feed the masses and have the perfect centre piece. Truth is, I gave up on that bullshit years ago.
I decided to celebrate the celestial event of solstice and put my energy into something that did not glorify consumerism, greed and gluttony.
This lightened things up considerably in terms of financial worry, added stress and living out of alignment with my beliefs.
Yet I am still overcome with this sense of….. dread? or more accurately, melancholy.
It is hard to articulate and I have worked with it for so many years I almost believe it is habitual more than anything, although in some ways,it feels very cellular.
I was born on December 31st. The very last day of the year, and so I have been blessed? with the gift of a December birthday and for some odd energetic reason, this has had a huge effect on me.
This is difficult for me to put into words and yet I feel that there are maybe some if not many december born souls who can relate to this.
New Years Eve seems like the most perfect time to have a birthday right? I mean there is always a party to attend, there is a good chance you might get the day after off work, people always dress up, you can really get into all sort of debauchery and it is accepted, and the icing on the cake… noisemakers! perfect.
And yet, this feeling….. like the dark clouds that circle above Mordor finds its way in and around my heart, and begins to be projected outwards.
It seems possible because I have a birthday on the last day of the year, it enhances this feeling of needing to assess and reassess every aspect of my life, always coming to the same conclusion, I have failed miserably.
It really would not matter what I had accomplished, overcome, created, invented or surpassed, the conclusion was and is the same.
And so by the time December 31at rolls around, I find myself ,always planning my escape from this reality by way of plane or train or at the very least curled up under a fuzzy blanket in the fetal position wondering how I can possibly carry on with anything I am executing in my life.
Sounds empowering right?
Trust me when I say, this is one shift, I would love to celebrate.
My friends have encouraged me to change my birthday, and while I am open to having a party any day really and calling it my birthday, I feel that this energy, for lack of a better word still permeated my being.
My conclusion so far is that A. I am a feeble excuse for a human being and or B. There was a curse put on me that I will carry for eternity
At least I am not extreme in my perceptions.
This year although on a deep level I feel resigned to wallow in this sludge that has become to feel familiar and somewhat like home, I also feel a stirring at my core, it feels like a small vibration that is just started to quiver, like when a train rumbles by and the pictures on your walls gently shake.
I am sitting with this, not in a comfortable way, having given up comfort years ago when I decided to begin working on myself, I am ok with this. I would rather be uncomfortable for life than stay in a way of being that is unconscious.
I feel on some level that maybe this year, this quiver will become a quake that will shake loose the dark chains that bind my soul to this low vibration.
This is what I am holding space for, a shaking loose, re-birth, empowerment centred unfolding. I think that’s reasonable, after 35 years of the murky depths.
I am aware that this may be the most depressing December blog that anyone has ever read, I feel a need to apologize but then, why? It is my wish to live authentically. This is a reality, and I don’t believe I am alone in it.
Sorry, no warm hot chocolate ,twinkle light, candy coated , santa saturation in this blog, just the down and dirty of a december birthday girl telling it like it is.
For all of you kindred souls who maybe share this or at the very least can relate on some level… Keep your chin up, there IS after all a surplus of Baileys this month.